Like Totally
by holicannoli
Summary: When Casey decides to quit the army for Jane, a desperate Maura finally finds the courage to tell Jane how she feels. Jane's teenage neighbor overhears the conversation and can't wait to share it with her friend. One shot.


_"Hi"_

"Hi, it's Lauren."

_"I can see it's you. It says so on my phone."_

"Oh, right. Sorry."

_"Anyways."_

"Anyways."

_"Uh, you called _me_?"_

"Oh yeah, right. I overheard this crazy thing and just had to call you. Amazing story."

_"Okay, go ahead."_

"Could you believe Belinda today, by the way? She was all like 'Why would Billy dump Chloe only to hook up with Chelsea? Her ass is twice the size of Chloe's and her teeth are super irregular.' Which isn't even true, because she totally wore braces in the seventh grade, remember?"

_"So this story is about Belinda?"_

"No, no, it isn't about Belinda. I just thought that was so rude. I was like, 'Just because you've liked Billy since kindergarten, doesn't mean you can be such a bitch about Chelsea.' You know what I mean?"

_"Yeah, I know what you mean. So, the story?"_

"And then Mr. Henderson was all like, "Hey, you mean bitches in the back, get back to reading the story or I'll kick you out of my classroom."

_"Uh, Mr. Henderson actually called you 'mean bitches'?"_

"No, I mean, he gave us this look where he does that thing with his eyebrows that scares the shit out of you."

_"Ah, so the story is about Mr. Henderson?"_

"No, it's not about Mr. Henderson. But, have you ever wondered what his wife is like? Do you think she's like super hot and they have tons of sex?"

_"Oh my God, Lauren!"_

"What?"

_"The story!?"_

"Oh, yeah. So you know that detective that lives next door to me? The one that's like super hot, like suuuper hot, and then that one night when I saw this guy lurking in front of the apartment building and I kind of freaked out, but then she came, and they like totally made out? And then Mrs. Johnston from upstairs says he's in the army and was in Afghanistan and shit?"

_"Yes, your detective neighbor. You've told me about her."_

"Yeah, so, today after dinner I walk into my room and when I look out of my window this blonde woman is sitting on the porch. And she's wearing this black skirt that's just amazing and this creamy silk blouse and a black jacket that's also amazing and these shoes that look like they'd cost $1000 in the store. And her hair is also amazing, long and blonde and wavy..."

_"Okay, so there's this blonde woman sitting on the porch and she looks amazing."_

"Yeah, totally. And I'm thinking, if you're gonna mug this woman, you should take her shoes, not her wallet and phone."

_"Why would you not just take her shoes AND her wallet and phone?"_

"Oh yeah, right. But I mean, you should ALSO take her shoes. Because I bet they're worth a ton."

_"Okay."_

"Yeah, so like 20 minutes later that super hot detective shows up. And she's like, 'Hey Maura, what are you doing here?" And then the blonde looks like she's gonna cry. And I'm like, if you're gonna cry, you'll ruin that silk blouse."

_"Why would a few tears ruin a silk blouse?"_

"Because of all the mascara and eyeliner and shit."

_"Why would a woman with $1000 shoes not just buy waterproof mascara?"_

"Fine. Whatever. Anyways, so then the detective looks all concerned and shit and sits down next to her. And she's like, 'Why are you sitting on my porch in your $1000 shoes and your super cute skirt that may get bird shit all over it because tons of pigeons shit all over this porch?'"

_"She actually said that?"_

"No, she said 'Maura, what's wrong?'"

_"Okay. And then what did Miss Jimmy Choo say?"_

"She's like, 'So, he's back?' And then the detective says, 'Yeah, he came back.' And then the blonde's like, 'I'm so happy for you." But you can tell she's not happy at all 'cause she looks sad as hell. And the detective, I think, can tell she's not really happy, 'cause she says, 'Maura, I'm not leaving. He's quitting the army. He's moving to Boston.'"

_"So they're talking about that guy you saw your detective neighbor making out with?"_

"Yeah, I think so. Isn't that wild? So then this Maura person says, 'That's really great for you. So you told him you'll marry him?"

_"Whoa, they're gonna get married?"_

"Hold on, let me finish the story. So then the detective's like, 'Yeah, I think I'll marry him. I mean, that's the right thing to do, right?' And the blonde's like, 'Yeah, that's absolutely the right thing to do.' And then again she's like, 'Oh, I'm so happy for you,' and I'm just thinking, 'Woman, stop saying you're happy. You look mega depressed.' So then the detective—I mean she's a detective, right? I bet she's super good at detecting whether you're full of shit or not—she's like, "Maura, talk to me."

_"And then what does Maura say?"_

"See, I told you it was a good story."

_"God, Lauren, what did she say?"_

"She doesn't say anything! She just leans in and kisses the super hot detective right on the mouth!"

_"Are you for real?"_

"Yeah, and it's not one of those 'We're super good friends and I'm gonna go shopping so I'll see you later, mwah' kinds of kisses."

_"What?"_

"You know, how some girls who are friends kiss each other on the lips to say like, 'See you later.'"

_"Who does that?"_

"Never mind. So it wasn't one of those kisses. It was more like, 'Oh my God, I totally love you and I just can't help myself.' Like a proper kiss. Like a totally hot full impact kiss."

_"Whoa, and then what did the detective do? She must've been so shocked!"_

"That's the thing. She totally wasn't. She like pulls back, looks the blonde in the eye and then puts her hand on the back of the blonde's head and totally kisses her back. And it totally wasn't…"

_"Yeah, it wasn't one of those 'See you later' kisses…"_

"No. It was totally one of those 'Yeah, I'm getting married to this hot guy who probably killed like 20 Taliban with his bare hands, but I don't care 'cause your lips taste so good and you smell so fine' kisses."

_"And then what happened?"_

"And they just kiss each other, and it's like so passionate, I'm like, is this a freaking movie or something? I couldn't believe it. It was totally hot. And they both look so into it, that I'm like, 'Super hot detective, are you sure you wanna marry this army dude? If he ever finds out you kissed this woman like that, he's probably gonna kill _you_ with his bare hands.'"

_"So they just sit there in plain view, kissing each other?"_

"Yeah, man. And it was awesome. And then, when they finally stop kissing, the detective, she's like, and you know, she's got this amazing deep voice, it's the sexiest thing ever, she's like, 'Maura, my God.' And then the blonde's like, 'I've loved you for so long. So long.' And then the detective's like, 'I love you too.' And then the detective kisses her again, and then she's like 'Let's go inside.' And then they go inside and I'm like, 'I can't believe that just happened!'

_"That's actually a really good story, Lauren."_

"I know, right?"

_"So what do you think will happen to them?"_

"I think they really love each other, you know."

_"But what will happen to the army dude?"_

"I don't know. I just know that I hope that one day someone will look at me the way these two looked at each other tonight."

_"Wow."_

"I know…"

_"Well, thanks for sharing."_

"Told you it was a cool story."

_"It was. It really was, Lauren. Good night."_

"Good night."


End file.
